The End

Well my lovelies, it's time to close up shop at the Mom O Matic blog. It has been truly one of the coolest experiences I've had - this blogging thing. I've met the BEST people, hopefully became a better person and definitely enjoyed being inappropriate with you all.

Reasons Why I'm Shutting Down The Blog

Creatively ready to move on.

Ran Out Of Funny Stories. It's true. The best writers are drunks and whores (i.e. Southeners and Canadians.) Well medicated, somewhat well adjusted women are just not creating the kind of slapstick fodder that's neccesary for good humor blogging.

That bad "Mom O Matic" keychain someone made. (FYI: copywrite your blog name)

My kids have reached an age where we are actually having more fun than ever together. I'm not needing that blog wormhole as much as I once did when they were small. "Lalalalala I can't hear you I'm blogging. Lalaalala."

Coming to terms with the fact that I take on too much and then complain about feeling scattered. Trying to hone down what I'm doing to a mere half a dozen things at once.

Untrue Rumors About Why I'm Shutting Down The Blog

I am protesting the anti-swagger/pr blackout bloggers. Not true. Though I have to add that while I understand that saying you love a hug at Blogher09 more than a free Bounce sample is a good and true statement. I'll take that hug AND a free bounce sample thankyouverymuch. In fact, if you saw all the swag bags in my hotel room you would have thought I was fucking grocery shopping. Go middle-class!

I'm actually a dude named Stan who lives in his mom's basement in Nebraska. Not true. Though my computer is in my basement - which makes the amount of time I spend online kind of scary when you realize I am doing it all from my subterranean lair.

I'm getting a divorce so I can marry someone I met on Match.com. Not true again. I only use eHarmony. (And am still madly in love with husband thanksforasking.)

Thebloggess is threatened by my beauty and success and threatened to "cut me bad" if I didn't drop out of the scene. (This is actually true. Help.)

I'm hoping you all will start a heavily Paypal donation driven petition to bring me back. Not true. Sorta. Maybe we can be all Midwestern passive aggressive about it. Where you offer up protest a few times knowing I'll politely refuse but appreciate the hospitality. (And if you have itchy Paypal fingers Friends Of Maddie would love your support.)

Reasons Why I Probably Should Not Shut Down The Blog.

It's been better than therapy.

You.

You again.

Yeah, you in the back too.

My everyday friends will now be forced to receive all the blunt and lewd dialogue that I NEED to put forth everyday or risk imploding.

The fact that I still see that ghosty shadowy thing in my peripheral vision while I'm in the basement and I think it'll miss me when I'm not down here at 1 AM typing.

You all are awesome, thanks for coming to visit me. Thanks to PooponPeeps for not trashing me. And BIG thanks for listening to all my stories for the past 2 years.

If you miss me too hard you can always follow me on Twitter (momomatic) though it's often unedited and sometimes drunken. Sort of like an unplugged version of this blog. And of course you can always BUY MY PRETTY CRAP on Etsy. Or just be a fan!

Missing you guys already!

Lots of love, keep on keeping on!
Lotta

PS - Per usual. I blew off my contest winner. The winnah of the free fatassnomore wrap is Amy Kate. Email me lady!

Birthday Bug

Ladybug Print

When I was little I used to play with ladybugs all the time. I would collect them in my little, yellow margarine containers with holes poked on top. My dad came up from a scuba dive to find me sitting on a rock covered with them when I was about 4.

Since then important occasions have always been marked by a visit from a single ladybug. And not just important moments, but times when I needed to know that there was something bigger than me. Bigger than all of us.

When I got married. I was sitting up at the head table, slightly freaking out because the caterer forgot to come to the reception. In turn, forgetting about how special the day was. Then I looked down and there she was, clinging to my skirt. A perfectly red, perfectly round ladybug. In December, with snow on the ground outside.

When I had my first child. It had been a rough labor. Pre-eclampsia and 18 hours with an epidural that never took. But when my son finally made it out into the world my first thought was, "Oh good a grandson for Dad!". Later that same day my little ladybug came riding in on my dad's sleeve, we found her when he was holding his grandson for the first time.

When I had my second child. We found a tiny, red ladybug on daughter's swaddling blanket after carrying her into our home for the first time. I was just thinking that I was bummed she didn't have a ladybug like son did at the hospital, and moments later we found one.

On my birthday. Today I woke up with legs skewered in nerve pain. I just got through a very unfun round of Shingles recently and thought I was done with it all. Only to find out that it went and visited me on the other side of my body today. I also turned 38 today so somehow getting out of bed with little old lady pain seemed extra suckass. But when I hobbled into the bathroom, there she was. My little ladybug perched on the edge of the sink, vivid and red as ever.

I'm not sure who is sending these pretty ladies to me. But I know that she's bringing a little hope and love to me whenever I seem to need it most. They say when you pass on you smell lemons right before it happens. I have a feeling that when it's my turn to go (hopefully many, many years from now) I'll be seeing ladybugs.

Teether For Mom

Whiskey Teether Necklace.

I love the dimension of this necklace, it's hard to capture in a picture but it really does have a liquid shimmer to it.

Giveaway: It Works Body Wrap!

Disclaimer: (This disclaimer is written for fear of being brought down in a hail of Twitterfire.) But I am NOT paid for this giveaway. I am going to get one for myself too and strap it around my big fat ass though. So there.

I'm giving away one It Works Body Wrap applicator! Rumor has it that if you wrap this baby around your midsection you'll lose inches.


Back when I worked as a receptionist for a spa we were encouraged to try out treatments so we could sell them to clients. I remember trying a Seaweed weight loss wrap and being entirely mummified.

After being wrapped the woman left the room so I could "relax". My arms were tucked inside and I could NOT scratch an insane itch on my face. It was a torturous 10 minutes for someone with OCD that must scratch that itch and then do the imaginary itch on the other side to make sure things were even.

So needless to say I'm digging that these wraps are localized and won't mummify you. And that's my accompanying story.

Want to to try a body wrap out? Leave a comment of any kind and I'll use a random number generator to pick out a winner when it's all said and done. Contest runs till the weeks end! (August 28).

Drink The Goat's Blood Sir

The 1930's DeMoulin Bros Catalog is full of antique prank and joke goods that were supplied to men's lodges. Some wild and weird stuff!

Pictures On My Phone

Antique Roman Penis Charms I found at the Kane County Flea Market. Apparently, even the Romans knew how to represent a brother.


Gumball charm selection in a Wisconsin movie theater lobby. What games exactly were the kids supposed to play with 70's porn mustaches and handcuffs?

That lobby was a blast. I played a rifle video game and after bagging a buck was asked by the game, "Wow! I hope you have enough room in your freezer for that big boy!". And I actually started to think about it, "Wow, do I?".